So I need to address something and just vent my feelings off my chest. Over the last year and a half I have worked on completely removing my parents from my life. I mean, not like they were there much anyhow but they were still “there” without actually being there. Does that make sense? They were still somehow involved in my life without doing anything. So I decided that it was time to rid myself of the hurt, the anger, the doubt, the frustration, the betrayal, but most importantly, the toxicity. Yeah, that’s right, I didn’t grow up with that white picket fence life that you read about in literature and the “all American family” thing is a joke and a half. I grew up with very toxic set of parents and it seems like as I’ve gotten older it’s only gotten worse.
Let’s start from the beginning though, so we’re all on the same page before I go on my rant. So long story short, my mother’s first husband passed away and my father was kind of like a rebound. I know, insane right? Anyway, so she gets with my father has me and my younger sister (on top of my older siblings she has from her first marriage) and they basically were a flop. So much so that their relationship turned into drug abuse because let’s be honest, what else would make them like each other? So now they’re drug addicts and maybe 6 months after my sister was born they split. My dad went back to New York and we stayed with our mother in Virginia.
My mother never really got over her first husband and her life started spiraling out of control. She became an alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute, and a child abuser. She beat us and she didn’t care because she was too drugged up to care about anything let alone us. The only thing that mattered to her was her next fix and her pimp. We were taken from her and given to our father who played daddy for about a year or two and then became mentally ill and started losing track of his life. He became dependent on prescription drugs like nobody’s business and my sister and I were now out two parents. He was mean, and a father who did nothing but sleep all day. His girlfriend became our full time caregiver because he was basically useless.
Now fast forward a couple of years- I’m an adult. I’ve don’t everything in my power to try to give them chances after chances and see if they can handle a relationship with me. My instincts kept telling me to give them the chances because well, they’re my parents. Despite all the bullshit they put me through for 19 years they were my parents! And I’m not some cold hearted bitch, I know that people are living without parents. However, I might as well be and that is meant with no disrespect it’s just the truth.
My mother told me on my 17th birthday that she wishes she would have gotten a abortion, my father stole my identity and destroyed my credit score, my dad blames me for all his problems, and my mother blames my dad. I mean, I can go on all day with their shit but quite frankly I don’t have the time. The point is, I’ve tried ok? I’ve really tried. Despite all of this I’ve still tried. I’ve called, texted, messaged, and went to see. I’ve sat at awkward dinner tables, in AAU Meetings (more than once unfortunately) and in court, jail, and church (don’t ask.) I’ve cried, yelled, lost sleep, and prayed for a change. I’ve hoped and wished that things could be different and they never were.
I’ve been through a mourning period too. I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea of really losing my parents even though they’ve been some of the most toxic people in my life. Isn’t that fucked up? That I still cared after everything and they never cared to begin with. People say that addicts are people too and that they deserve the help and to not be judged. But where does that leave their children? The children that they don’t take care of, that they don’t pay for, that they don’t love? People are so busy caring about addicts that they forget that the addicts might be the reason for all of someone’s pain and suffering.
I get it, trust me. I understand that they have problems and that those problems are not necessarily their fault. I get that they can’t help their addictions and they can’t help the paths that they’ve lead. But you know what, mother is apparently clean and doing great running a food truck in Virginia. Did she call me for Christmas? My birthday? Random sundays? Nope. So I don’t care what anyone says, sometimes addicts are just parents who don’t give a fuck and just happen to like dope. It’s that simple.
So, let’s address that comment shall we? “You’re parents aren’t in your life… wow, that’s so sad” followed by a pathetic look at me like you heartless wretch you’re purposely disowning your parents!? These are people who know absolutely nothing about me or more parents by the way, these are usually just people who love to be in someone’s business.
I cannot stand this comment because it is the most frustrating thing. It’s like no matter what I can’t win. People condemn me for keeping them and then people condemn me for getting rid of them. And before you say, I know it doesn’t matter what people think, but just once in my life I’d like people to be on my side. I hate that people automatically assume that because my parents aren’t in my life it’s because I’ve done something wrong. I hate that so fucking much. It’s like we live in a society that is so use to excusing the parents and their behavior that the kids are always to blame.
No, I don’t think it’s sad that my parents aren’t in my life. I think it’s sad that my parents never went to any of my award ceremonies or softball games, I think it’s sad that my parents never call me for any holiday, I think it’s sad that they didn’t go to my high school graduation, I think it’s sad that they didn’t drop me off at college, and I think it’s sad that they don’t WANT to be in my life. Regardless of what people think I’ve turned out to be amazing even though I should be scum of the earth because of them.
I have made my life’s goal to always be better than them. Now that’s sad! That a life achievement when I die would be “well she didn’t sell her ass on the corner or do lines of molly in her bathroom, she must have been great!” So no there is absolutely nothing “sad” about leaving my parents behind in my past as I venture into what I hope to be a very bright future. I’m happy with my decision. I’m happy that I have made a decision that is right for me and at the end of the day, nothing else matters, including your opinion.